Friday 19 June 2015

Pondering grief and sewing and blogging and probably some other things too

This is one of the top google images for pondering - an awesome pondering baby!

I'm writing this at 4am after having been awake thinking about it for an hour.  Insomniacs unite! It's one of those things I have had half-formed ideas about for a while but never quite felt like putting them down in writing.  I don't know if I will even hit "publish".

This feels like a weird post to write.  Since the sewing category was added to Bloglovin my blog has got quite a number of new followers (welcome - and thank you for following! If you don't blog you may not realise how much that Bloglovin new follower email makes someone's day!) and this seems like an odd post for people to start with.  It's not my usual way and normal sewing-related service will be resumed shortly!

As I have blogged about before, my dad died in November just over a year after his stage 4 cancer diagnosis.  As he lived in the US and I am in the UK, my brother and I had several last minute dashes to hospital to see him.  His death wasn't a surprise - in fact a year of relative health after a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer is pretty good as these things go.

I'm not sure I have had a typical grief reaction in that I have (and still do) feel a bit numb to the whole thing.  According to Dr Google, this is fairly normal and part of the grief process but it doesn't feel like anyone else is grieving in the same way.  I have a family who need things to carry on relatively as normal and a demanding job (where I was supposed to change teams in January but a recruitment issue has meant I am actually still doing 70% of my previous role, which trying to take on a new one which has been exhausting.  For 6 months).  This week was my dad's birthday on Wednesday and it's Father's Day here on Sunday so it's been a tough one.

And unlike other forms of blogging, blogging about dressmaking is tied up a lot in how we feel about how we look.  Serious comfort eating since my dad's diagnosis has meant I have put back on most of the weight I was so happy and proud to lose.  Isn't it annoying when you find yourself becoming a statistic for diet failure? And who wants to put pictures of themselves up on the internet when they don't feel good about how they look?  This post is partly inspired by thoughtful posts from Jo Sews and Karen from Didyoumakethat about body and style changes and also posts from Jo Sews and Miss Demeanor about mental health.  The sewing blogging community is such a positive place and it seems like it is rare for people to admit that they are finding it hard.  Maybe increasing use of Instagram perpetuates that - I read recently that IG is seems as a much more positive place than Twitter as it is full of pretty, carefully chosen images of a moment in time, whereas Twitter is a bit more ranty.  The difference to my mind is that a thoughtful Twitter conversation is a lot more supportive than a lot of IG likes (although IG likes are lovely too, don't get me wrong). But it's hard to talk about feelings on IG when there's no pretty picture to accompany them.

In the aftermath of all of this, my sewing productivity has suffered.  I have definitely been finding it hard to summon up the effort to sew after a day at work and long commute home.  I only realised recently that this sort of lethargy is part of the grieving process.  I have tried several ways to bust out of this - making quick and easy gratification projects - multiple makes of patterns I have already fitted, knit projects, quick to sew projects, all of which have resulted in some great and really useful wardrobe additions.  I am currently wrangling with trouser fitting which has been a slow process, partly because trouser fitting is hard, and partly as I'm not happy with how I look and so I'm not sure I want to wear the trousers right now.  However I am almost there and pretty proud of the end result!

All of which brings me to blogging.  I have quite a backlog of things to show you, most of which need photos.  I think I will have a big photo taking session with hubby and get as many of them photographed as possible to show you and then I can move onto new makes. I have some great summer dresses planned which I can't wait to sew up and wear, and I haven't felt like that about a project since my winter coat!

Sometimes I think we have to force ourselves to get back to the things we like doing and build back up that habit again. For me that goes for sewing and blogging.  I used to be very good at sewing for a block of time each day (even if that was half an hour - it's amazing how quickly garments come together over several 30 minute sessions) but I haven't been doing that recently.  I thought that one day I would just feel like doing it, but I guess it's kind of a habit that I have fallen out of the way of doing.

 As for blogging, I'm not really someone who writes weekly or monthly round ups of what other people are doing/ sewing or shopping links just to have something to post on a particular day.  My favourite blogs post when they have something to say or show, rather than posting on a schedule that it says you should have in some blogging guide or other. That's not really going to change around here - I'm not one of those bloggers like Karen or Gillian who has great ideas of topics that the whole community responds to and ends up writing their own blog posts about.  So I'll get back to showing you my self-made garments and hopefully hearing your thoughts, feedback, ideas and comments on them.

Have you ever experienced a lack of desire to sew or take part in another favourite hobby even though you know you love it?  Any tips for getting back into it you can share?

30 comments:

  1. Sadly, I can completely understand your lack of desire to sew after the death of your Dad. Grieving became my world, 6 weeks after turning 50 when my husband of 27 years died from Melanoma cancer. I sewed for myself even when he was ill and I felt it gave me hope that he would get well and life would resume as before. That didn't happen and my life has never been the same since but once I started to put one foot in front of the other, the desire to sew, slowly returned. And I chose quick and easy makes from Burda to get me started. Through Burda, I discovered the blogging world and although I don't blog, I have found so much enthusiasm for my life through sewing. I met some local bloggers in Brisbane but in particular 'busylizzieinbrizzie' and through her friendship I have really moved on. Grief takes it's course on everyone differently and I now know there is no right or wrong way to it. Continue on with your small steps and always ask yourself if your Dad would be proud of your progress. I am sure he will be and loving you all the time. I am 'marjoriesews' on IG. xxxx

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    1. Thanks Marjorie. I'm really sorry to hear about your husband. I met liz when she came over to London and she is a lovely person - sewing friends are great. I follow you on IG - look forward to seeing what you are making.

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  2. Your feelings are perfectly normal. My son died 9 years ago and I have been devastated, still feeling numb but sewing has kept me going and I'm sure you will get back to it. Don't push yourself, be kind grief is just so tiring. Take care. X

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    1. Thanks mags. So sorry to hear about your son. Glad to hear sewing has helped you.

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    2. Thanks mags. So sorry to hear about your son. Glad to hear sewing has helped you.

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  3. I'm sorry - never quite sure what I say but if I was there I suspect I would spontaneously hug you. That's my way.
    I find when I'm in a slump and can't seem to get started that's it actually making things like shirts & jackets that helps. Having a projects with lots of little methodical steps that can be done in little sewing spells helps a lot. I don't feel compelled to sewing for hours but I can do just a little bit, feel a sense of accomplishment and then do another little step later. I guess it's slow sewing... I find it calming.
    So hugs to you - and maybe I'll deliver one in person one day xo

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    1. Thanks lizzy. That is a good idea and kind of where I was going with the idea of sewing for a short period of time. Thanks very much and I'll hold you to that hug!

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  4. Hi Jo
    You've had a lot to deal with in your work and personal life recently so no wonder that expending all the emotional and mental energy has taken a toll. If I feel drained I often cannot motivate myself to sew, so that's where I tend to turn to knitting so that I can sit on the sofa and knit at the same time! After a really productive sewing period I'm in a bit of a slump now but I have been pre-washing my fabric stash and last night I did a small job of sewing 2 cushion covers that I have been meaning to make. So simple, and something it sounds like you have already been doing
    I'd say, don't give yourself a hard time because as things settle down you'll have more head space to get into it. It sounds like you've got upcoming projects you are excited about. Maybe if you could find a block of time, like a half day one weekend, to kick things off, that would be a boost to start it off. I know it's easier said that done to find that time though!

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    1. Thanks kerry. You know i did really want to knit but my carpal tunnel has been very bad this winter and not great now. A half day one weekend would be so lovely. You never know - it might happen!

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  5. Aww... Jo. Such a touching piece. And one I can definitely relate to. I can totally relate to losing a dad. And that numb feeling. Over twenty years now and it's still tough. Don't duff yourself up. Those sewing voids are probably for good reason. We are not machines. You are amazing. Will wait as long as it takes to see your lovely creations. I aint goin' nowhere! Heaps of love and hugs xxxxxxxx

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    1. Thanks janene. My sympathies for your loss too. I'm sure it has been for a good reason that I haven't wanted to sew. Unfortunately my appetite hasn't suffered in the same way!

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  6. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. Although I haven't gone through what you've been through, I've experienced loss of sewing mojo too. I guess the question is, what are you sewing for? If you're sewing for enjoyment then there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a break, I'm sure you'll get back into it soon but don't push yourself. If you really want to get back into it then why not treat yourself to a sewing workshop day or see if there's a craft fair on somewhere near you? Sometimes being around other enthusiasts can inspire you. Good luck!

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    1. Thanks Rachael. That's a great idea about the sewing workshop. Tat might really get things started for me.

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  7. Well done on publishing... there's always a lot to ponder in the 'why are we here?' aftermath... and grief will come in all shapes and forms... I am emotional at somethings and completely robotic at other times... and I never know which I'll become at these moments.

    Do what you have to do, sew when you have to sew, blog when you have to blog... I'm really bent on running to my own race with my blog/sewing right now... after a slow 3 years being Mama, I feel like joining in again, but at my own pace.

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    1. Thanks Veronica. That's so true about needing to run your own race and your own speed. I suppose we all feel pressure to blog even when we are feeling a bit off at times! I hope all is well with you.

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    2. Thanks Veronica. That's so true about needing to run your own race and your own speed. I suppose we all feel pressure to blog even when we are feeling a bit off at times! I hope all is well with you.

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  8. Jo, I am so sorry for your loss. Speaking from my own experience I can tell you that grieving is a process that has no timetable and is different for everyone. I lost my husband to cancer four days after our 29th wedding anniversary. Although that was almost seven years ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Grief is not a life experience that is over-and-done-with and then you move on, but rather something that evolves and changes over time. It sounds to me, that you are following your heart and sewing and blogging as you want to and not as perhaps you think you “should”. Maybe making some things for your daughter and blogging about them or some other craft items would change your focus a little bit.

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    1. Thanks Ellen. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I do want to get back to sewing and blogging as it might feel a bit more "normal" even if I do it at a slow ace than usual.

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  9. So sorry for your loss Jo, and sorry to hear that you've had a stressful time at work as well - that really can't have helped you. I hope you manage to find a way that works for you to get back to sewing - I always find it helps to cheer me up when I'm feeling down (although admittedly I haven't had to deal with anything like losing a parent). Well done for publishing this post, it's braver thn I would have been. Take care of yourself!

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    1. Thank you Ruth. I am hoping for the ealing powers of sewing. It's also the main part of the me time I get other than reading on my commute (which is hardly relaxing as you can imagine!)

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  10. Oh, dear Jo, what a lovely and sad and thoughtful post. Even the 'normal' course of grief is so utterly horrible and personal isn't it - and of course really there is no 'normal' because our relationships are all unique. I'll be thinking of you over father's day this weekend. It sounds to me as if you are treating yourself with the kind of gentleness and understanding you need, and I know how difficult that can be. Something I thought - and this may be very different for you, I don't know - but sometimes the lethargy is there for a reason. I have really struggled to find balance with the depression and the kind of grief over my 'lost' self that caused, because I have this tendency to think: if only I could sew enough, I'd feel normal again. Or I feel like like throwing myself into making things would make everything else ok too, when sometimes it's a distraction from getting better that actually makes things worse! It can be good to give yourself space if you need it, there's no need to rush and sewing will still be a haven even if you've had to leave it alone for a while. We'll still be here to read about it whenever you're ready, even if it's years hence! (I do hope all that makes sense - I may have been self-medicating this evening with wine and smarties... and I relate very well to the comfort eating!)

    I know what you mean about instagram/twitter too. For what it's worth, I find it great to be in touch with you via those when you're not blogging - I think I'd worry if you disappeared completely :-) Instagram does tend to be about the pretty pictures but it's good to see you there.

    Take care, and I do hope you can sleep well regularly xx

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    1. Thank you jo. I also like to keep I touch with people through other social media but when I'm not blogging I feel a bit disconnected from everyone.

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  11. I'm so sorry for your loss Jo. Please don't be hard on yourself for not sewing, or for not grieving in the same way as your family, grief is so different for everyone. I lost my mum 7 years ago now and I still find her birthday & Mother's Day particularly hard, as you're still expected to get on with the every day things. If you're missing sewing then maybe even 10/15 minutes a day? That's what I'm trying to do at the moment as sewing time with a toddler is limited, as I know you've experienced! However if you're too tired for sewing then just let it go for a while & spend your spare time trying to regroup yourself. Above all be kind to yourself, you deserve it, it's been a tough year for you. We'll all still be here when you feel the need to blog more. X

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    1. Thanks katryn. Sorry for your loss too. I expect it will always be hard at this time of year. Time with a toddler is Def limited and to be.honest time with a nearly 7 year old and a full time job isn't much better. I think doing a little bit each day might help me get back into the swing of things!

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  12. I'm so sorry about your dad Jo. I can completely relate to the lack of desire to sew - I'm still in an ongoing sewing slump which has lasted the last 6 months - I've only made one thing this year. I really want to want to sew, but I just don't want to, if that makes sense? I've tried starting an easy project to get me back into it, but that's just now sitting round cut out and I haven't got any further. I'm really hoping that my sewjo returns, and I'm sure it will, I just need to ride it out. I think in my case it's just to do with generally feeling a bit overwhelmed with life at the moment - I'm not happy at work, so even when I was still wanting to sew, and spending my day at work planning what I'd do when I got home, by the time I got home, I was too drained/bored/emotionally exhausted to do anything. I can't really offer any tips to help (although if you do find anything, please let me know!), but the one thing that I think it is important to remember is that sewing (and blogging) is a hobby that we do for fun, and if it feels like a chore, or like we *have* to do it, then it's not serving its purpose. It's easy to feel guilty, when you look at your huge fabric stash and know that you haven't sewn anything with it for months, or when you know you haven't published a blog post in a few months, but no one minds, and it's not going to do you any good to chastise yourself for not doing it. Just make sure you enjoy it when you do do it.

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    1. Thank you kelly - that's good advice. I will let you know if I find something that works but I can really relate to planning what do sew all day and then not being able to be bothered by the time I get home!

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  13. I'm sorry for your loss, Jo. It must be hard enough with the grief without the additional pressure from work. I can't relate to the loss of a parent but I can about workloads and that is exhausting enough. It seems like you are giving yourself the space you need, with kindness and compassion, and I'm sure that eventually you will get back into the swing of your hobbies. As for sewing, how about just messing around with some fabric scraps and your machine? There's no pressure to make a finished item and but you might get some of the motivation back. I found that worked for me when some of my planned projects seemed too big to tackle.

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  14. I'm obviously extremely behind on my blog reading. I am just reading this. I do hope things are getting better for you. I understand being numb (my mother died of breast cancer almost 12 years ago). Everyone certainly does grieve so differently. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you love from the U.S.

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  15. I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss. Loosing pleasure in the things that you usually find enjoyable at such times is such a normal side effect. It sounds like you have found the perfect method for making sewing a pleasurable part of your life again, and making useful garments that remind you of what you are able to achieve sounds like the best thing to focus on. I am also an insomniac, and I don't know about you, but hearing that others also suffer helps alleviate the loneliness that it brings, so thank you for sharing that. Lots and lots of love and virtual hugs xxx

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  16. I'm so sorry for your loss, I haven't got much to say as there is nothing that I can say which will make any difference to the pain you're probably feeling now. When I lost my father last year, I felt like I couldn't hold up the cheery internet version of me, so took a month off blogging in all forms. It helped, but so did coming back to the friends I'd made on line. The pain may not ever go away, but we learn to live with it and find a place where it doesn't break our hearts each time we think of them; I prey that happens for you soon. Love x

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